I've been watching the programme about Stephen Fry and how he has coped with being Bi-polar. Watching that programme has answered a question that I've been unable to find the answer to properly until now. It has at last put all the pieces in place for me, and has provided the answer as to the reason for my son's death. I didn't know enough (or even really anything much) about Bi-polarity to see that this is what was affecting my son's life. He couldn't live with it any more and he killed himself. It's not that I didn't notice his strange behaviour because I did, and I sought medical advice twice during his childhood, only to be told that it was normal, he would 'grow out of it'. It wasn't, and he didn't. He sought medical help himself later, but wasn't diagnosed, was just offered anti-depressants and decided to try and deal with it himself rather than take medication. It's strange how often this illness affects the beautiful and the clever. He was beautiful and he was clever and he was sensitve and he loved me (and the rest of his family) very much and I miss him, and if we'd known what it was, and if we'd managed to get it treated, he could have still been here. Or not. I do know of other young people who were treated, and they still killed themselves. The hard thing is, he didn't want to die, he loved life so much, but he just couldn't live with this terrible condition and what it was doing to him any more.
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- 2006-09-26 @ 22:37:07
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- 2006-09-26 @ 22:40:30
It is. He lit up everyone's life around him, but ultimately he didn't have enough light for himself. My beautiful, beautiful son.
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- 2006-09-26 @ 22:38:50
Do you really believe that? And does it matter how or why? We crucify ourselves with those questions,it is what makes the loss so much harder to bear, the one question that there is never an answer to is why?
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- 2006-09-26 @ 22:51:45
The how or why doesn't really make any difference, because it doesn't alter the fact that he is dead. It doesn't make any difference to how much I miss him, but it does provide some answers. Whether it would have made any difference if he'd been treated I don't know. At least he did light up the lives of those he touched, even if ultimately the light wasn't strong enough for himself, and he decided to seek it elsewhere.
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- 2006-09-26 @ 23:00:54
But now you are tearing yourself up with what ifs! All those that have suffered loss do it at some point, what if I had done this, What if I had said that,done that. You have already been through enough what ifs.
We cannot change what is done, though that will not make it easier,you had a dual blow to learn to deal with, punishing yourself for not preventing it in some way will only destroy you, and you have still family that needs you. And friends too.-
- 2006-09-26 @ 23:10:59
Don't worry, Lynd, they aren't 'what ifs' where I blame myself. I know I did everything I could, with the knowledge and insight I had at the time, to help him and I know he appreciated everything I did, which is comforting. If I had more knowledge about what was going on, I could have done more, but I didn't, so I don't beat myself up about it.
Thank you so much for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me. Indeed we can't change what is done, and I hope you never forget that too. We did our best.-
- 2006-09-26 @ 23:14:17
But I didn't protect them, when it came down to it,in the end I couldn't protect them. Thats the hardest thing of all.
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- 2006-09-26 @ 23:23:12
You didn't because you couldn't. You did everything you could do, and you acted with great bravery. In different circumstances we both did what we could; it just wasn't enough, but it wasn't your fault, and it wasn't my fault. And our children know that.
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- 2006-09-26 @ 23:27:02
Deep down I know that,just sometimes, but you know what I mean.
Thanksx-
- 2006-09-26 @ 23:36:39
Yes, I do know what your mean - despite all logic it is those "just sometimes" that really get to us. I'm really sorry if my post tonight has upset you, made you think about your losses.
Hugs x-
- 2006-09-27 @ 23:14:33
No it didn't falling out with the family did that.
Dont apologise for expressing your feelings, it is a good thing.-
- 2006-09-27 @ 23:23:31
Thank you, Lynd. I do feel as though I'm moving forward. Just couldn't say what happened to my son before (except to people I knew). Sorry I couldn't tell you before. The Stephen Fry programme was just the catalyst I needed. Thank you so much for your support.
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- 2006-09-27 @ 23:38:33
You will always have thatx
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- 2006-09-27 @ 23:56:40
And you will always have mine.xx
welshceltgirl
That is so sad