I had hoped that this blog whilst reflecting my grief, would also be something that is positive. Unfortunately, whilst it does the former to some extent, it fails to be the latter. Try as I might, and believe me, I do try, I just can't get into a positive frame of mind for more than a day or so at a time, and even those days are very infrequent. Both my son and husband were very positive people who didn't want me to spend my life grieving, and for them and for my daughters and my grandchild, I want to look forward. I want to look forward, but somehow I can't. The grief, although not always the weeping sort, washes over me constantly. I think of the smiling faces of those two men and their energy should carry me forward, but it doesn't, and I don't know why. It seems that the things that once brought me comfort no longer do so. I want it to change. I WANT IT TO CHANGE.
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- 2007-08-13 @ 15:43:31
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- 2007-08-13 @ 17:33:43
I was thinking a little bit more - that the 'positive' word is itself, far too hard and tough at times. Maybe it is better to be another word, according to the circumstances of the day or time. Because we can't be positive all the time anyway - I mean how can one be positive when a car has just run over one's foot? (Although I suspect we can be positively sure a car has run over our foot because we have a hospital bill to prove it) And how can we look forward clearly when there isn't any light in the tunnel.
Maybe other words are needed for the circumstances. A 'scream' when there is pain. Being prepared for 'sadness' for a while, because there is a loss to feel. A feeling of 'relief' when one gives oneself permission to enjoy the next few days without feeling guilty for being alive.
Anyway what is positiveness? Confidence? Certainty. Something that increases? The opposite to negative?
Rather than try to be positive - why not feel the pain and hurt when it is there. Feel the loss as it washes over you. And practice the skill of searching for other feelings to counter-balance your grey moments. And just do that. Not 'try' anymore. But 'practice'.
Because, otherwise, you'll be like a student who is told to go and be a brain-surgeon. She tries and tries but she never gets to be a brain-surgeon. The thing she forgot to do was to get some training, practice her techniques and put those practices to use. You can only try if you have something to 'try' on. And you are it. Practice on you.
Er - have you looked up the definition of 'try'?
To put to the test.
Suppose you are a person that is human, who feels the pain of your lost husband and son, who will grieve, and who will feel the warmth of the sun. Can you be more than that? A proper human?
And if you are a proper person - then you are on the right track. You just might not be getting to where you want to be, quickly enough. It is the 'time' the grieving is taking that is the problem, not the 'trying'. And if you have a feeling you want to be different to how you are now, then that is half the battle won, because you do not sound as if you are happy with how it is with you right now. So, come what may, your mind does, mainly, what you tell it to do - so I still think you have to help your mind, with actual practice at something concrete.
Either you take charge of your practices or maybe you go for the skilled trained helpers in the community who can outline some information and options.
Cos what you do not want to be - is stuck too long in this place in your mind.
I know I will have missed something or misunderstood something else. Blogs are not the most effective forms of communication. And no stupidity on my part was intentional. W.-
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evilmomlady
- 2008-01-22 @ 01:26:44
Dear Mary,
By the time I spotted that you had commented on this post, you had disappeared from the bloging community, and so I held off from replying, and I shouldn't have done, for maybe you still hang around here and you don't know how much I appreciate your good heart and good advice.
You are right, I shouldn't be doing this for them, not that I am entirely doing it for them - trying to be positive. It's that I feel I should be positive to help family and friends who also grieve for them. Primarily I want to help my remaining children to cope with the loss of brother and father, and in helping them, I help myself. But also in being strong for them, I tend to forget that I can be weak, that it is alright for me to be weak.
You have made me realise that I am trying to be what I really am not. I have got so tied up in trying to help others that I've forgotten to help myself. Also, maybe I'm falling into that trap of thinking that I should be 'over' them by now, when of course, I never will be.
It really is alright for me not to be positive all the time. I expect too much from myself. Thank you so much for letting me see that.
EML xx
p.s. If you do still hang around, if you do read this, get in touch, okay?
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Do you think it has anything to do with using their energy? Maybe you have to only use your energy?
If you looked into a mirror and saw your husbands reflection - and you used that reflection to hopefully carry you through the day ( because he was smiling and looked happy for you)- and you used the look on his face as the motivation for your energy - would that work properly enough for you now?
Because what I was wondering, is, where are you in the mirror? Where or what is the motivation that comes from you - and only you?
Suppose you had written the sentence another way. Instead of writing that your husband and son were very positive people, suppose you wrote that it is YOU who is a positive person and that now you are going to look forward.
Suppose that you are right - the energy from those two men will no longer carry you forward. Maybe you want to walk the rest of the way on your own two feet now. And give those guys a rest. Their energy helped you start off on your journey. And you owe them a great deal. But, I guess, it still is your own journey.
And you must be ready now to make your own arrangements - because you have said quite clearly, "I WANT IT TO CHANGE". What used to bring you comfort no longer does so. Someone inside you seems to be rather frustrated with the present arrangements of your mind.
Ye gads - I'm not logged in - hope this comment doesn't disappear.
Says me - sitting in front of the window and not a thing done all day. Tsk Tsk
The mind is a wonderful thing but it doesn't do as it's told and keeps things hidden from me. Purely for me own protection I am sure. But I'm a big girl now and I WILL be in charge of me own thoughts and feelings from now on - thankyou very much. I'm sure you feel very much the same - DON'T YOU??
I feel for you EML - (Goodness me. With a moniker like that - you could go far). Maddogs commented today on me blog - something about the warm, sunshine washing over me. That would set me straight. I recommend digging in the good earth, a good walk, warm sunshine, and look out for Beauty. Oh! And read a funny book.
Right then, lets see if I can save this comment - Ciao! W. xx